I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
