Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
