so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
