Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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