Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
