so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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