Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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