I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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