I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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