Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
