can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
