I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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