So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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