Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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