A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
