so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
