I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
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When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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