She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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