Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
