she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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