Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
