TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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