I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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