dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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