my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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