i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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