I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
