I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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