she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Boobs speak an international language.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
