I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
