So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
