and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
