great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
