My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
