I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
