Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Someone signed my nipple.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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