Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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