Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
