oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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