omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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