if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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