we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
