Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
