he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
