i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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