I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
