Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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