My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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