so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
