she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
