life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
