and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
