I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
