i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
