one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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