i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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