I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
