Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
