I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
