Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
