I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
